Ummm What?????

Read like you can hear my voice…well those that know my voice..enjoy.

WTF…but I’m super duper happy!!! Let me tell you my short little story that turned my world right side up.

I got a letter from the doctor after my completed procedures…Imagine me sitting next to the campfire with the night sky sparkling above, a blanket over my head, and a flashlight held up to my face. Lol. DO IT!!!!

Did you do it??? Keep hold of that image…

This letter tells me NO celiac disease found. Mind blown!! It’s bursting at the seams so over joyed. POP!!

Mind you I need to wait to officially confirm with the other doctor BUT omgoodness….I am not always careful what I order so I’m sure well actually I know I’ve eaten gluten occasionally over several months. Since reading this letter all I can think about is how I need to plan another Disney trip but only because I want a damn churro, monte cristo AND beignets!!! Then there’s all the other food I’ve cut out since being told I’m a celiac in 2019!!

Omgoodness. Excuse me while I clean up my drool…

Cinnabon
Christmas cookies
Crab rangoon
Sushi
Chicken tenders
Fried chicken
McDonald’s fries!!

Umm what else…

Normal tortillas
Burritos at Mexican restaurants and Taco Bell bahaha
PASTA
Yummy pizza crust
ICE CREAM with cookie and brownie pieces

Ugh so much food. Where do I even start?? Well with the doctor I guess…

Omgoodness Olive Garden
Never ending pasta
Portobello ravioli
Bagels
Potlucks I’ve missed
Red vines oh my
Pretzels with cheese sauce 🤤
Chinese food get in my belly
Hot dog at baseball games
Birthday cupcakes!!
All the bread!!!
No label looking – playing I spy for GF
All my favorite Oreos!!!!!
Crazy bread
Stouffers Mac n cheese
Crazy bread!!!
Goldfish!
Chez- its!!
Angel hair pasta
Pasta Roni
Western bacon cheeseburger from Carls Jr
Doughboy donuts
Corn nuts
Panda Express
Top Ramen

When you have to choose a place and you realize it’s gonna be tough since you can eat everywhere your mind spins with happiness of what you’re about to enjoy (but it’s also overwhelming) that you never thought you would eat again, well maybe on my death bed at 105 LMAO.

The grocery bill is magically way less…I can afford to eat again!!! Here I am dancing around with my glittery unicorn wand…

It’s been almost a full month since this new adventure of happiness has started. My son and his girlfriend asked me to compare certain foods that I remember the taste of…so far:

Cheez-its- regular ones. I could have sat down and ate the whole box. I was so excited they were coming out with GF ones in 2026, but I was really getting impatient. I did not eat the whole box, but I wanted to.

KitKats…I loved these, but the one I borrowed from my youngest, lol, was so gross. Come to find out it was a frozen stale KitKat…make sure these are not stale. Vomit! so much yumminess when fresh. I “borrowed” half of her replaced one, lmao.

Went to the OG with my fam. “Breadsticks Gang” as my son called us, but I didn’t have any, because I wanted room for my Never Ending Pasta bowls…they got in my belly, the mushroom sauce still amazing, wish it was a year round flavor!

I can’t seem to find the pistachio oreos, major sad face.

Sushi for our anniversary…omgoodness I missed being able to order anything and everything. Well, the night of our anniversary we were shopping at Costco, because I needed snacks…AND I had Costco pizza, which I didn’t mind at all…drooling all over the place like a St. Bernard puppy. Someone grab me a bib!!

For breakfast at the NV Day Parade I filled up with dos Tipsy Lavender Lemonades and some Carls Jr. lol…

Doughboys…it melted in my mouth, the yummy warm maple gazed twist.

Okay, flash light off…blanket still over my head, because I am probably freezing…

I am having fun introducing all the foods I once loved back into my life. It has been quite the adventure.

In no means do I regret being GF for the years I was, it taught me more than I realized it would. My heart goes out to those who can’t have gluten in their diet, yes food is becoming better tasting, but for an autoimmune disease that has been out there for over 100 years you would think there would be more food options in ALL stores, the food costs would be comparable to all food prices, and it wouldn’t be such a struggle to attend amusement parks, potlucks, and restaurants, etc.

If you are the type of person who likes to donate to shelters, food pantries, etc, please think about those who have special diets and donate for them too.

So, after my fun-ness of medical procedures I know my insides are healthy, my throat was stretched, would never recommend this unless it’s needed, so now no more choking…go ahead let your mind wander on that one.

If you are given a blood test for gluten and it’s positive, DEMAND a biopsy. Read your results, copy and paste them into google – it will break them down for you in words that are understandable.

The best advice that was ever given to me by a doctor during COVID, ‘you are your own advocate, do your own research (I personally suggest looking at the UK research) and fight for your rights’. You can fire your doctor. You can get second opinions. And you can see all your doctor’s notes, it’s your right, they are usually posted in your chart, so download the medical apps, know what is happening with your body.

I can poop some magical poop again!! Bahaha sorry not sorry.

Love you all!! Thank you for enjoying my nonsense.

AND as always…

Remember to enjoy the Sunshine, Sparkles, and Mother Fucking Unicorn Poop!!!!!

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no straight lines

Sometimes I just start typing and the words just flow. I literally have no clue where the words will take me, but I end up creating a messy masterpiece that I enjoy reading and sharing. Sometimes my writing even gives me an insight as to what is bothering me or even helps me organize the jumbled mess of thoughts rolling around inside my head; my thoughts are like my conversations…lol. Too many at once.

Like right now I have these thoughts, these words, all these different things I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs…BUT I can’t…why?? Well, first of all I STILL SOUND LIKE A FUCKING MOUSE and can’t yell, I can hardly fucking talk, and second, because I am too fucking adult…ugh why must I be mature at times? BAHAHA…OH that’s right, because I am 37 and decided growing up was the smart thing to do. So instead I sit here typing on my laptop, hearing the clicking on my keys, the silence from my mousy voice, even though I am screaming from the inside, laughing at my childish thoughts as I act adult…

Adulting fucking sucks sometimes. I would never want to go back to being a kid or teen, but fuck, there are times when I just want to be so juvenile. I guess that is why we drink, party, get shit faced at times as adults, those are our juvenile moments. Those are the moments we can act like complete idiots and be immature dumb fucks as long as we don’t take it too far, right? I mean who doesn’t like to lean over the trash can or toilet every now and again vomiting up their guts like they did as a teenager or go to bed with the room spinning like a carnival ride, and not to mention the morning after hangover…the greasy ass breakfast with the Bloody Mary or Mimosa. For sure worth all of it, right?? Just don’t forget to hydrate and you’ll be all good…hehe.

And what about the bills, chores, and the responsibilities…fuck a duck. Like seriously. Who told us being an adult was fun? Oh wait, I was told to slow down, you don’t want to grow up too fast, and in all seriousness, I couldn’t wait to be a “grown-up”. WTF was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t.

And now with mini me’s of my own it’s like do you give them the same advice, “slow the fuck down, adulting sucks ass, and life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!!” LOL…nope, you hope that you have taught them well enough that they will be able to survive this “adulting” shit and that you did the best you can, lol, just kidding. But seriously, my kids, they are close to being on their own, well at least one, the other two are getting closer, and all I can do is hope that I can teach them to slow down just a little and enjoy their teenage years without giving me too many more gray hairs, because seriously getting those things covered cost a shit ton. I should start making them pay for my salon visits…hmmmm…HAHAHA!!!

Sometimes adulting can suck, but sometimes it can be tons of fun. It just depends on how you look at it and what you are doing at the moment. Deciding to grow up was the best decision I could have made and I know that. When I want to scream, shout, and say the things that I know I should not say I call my bestie and we have laughs, lots of them, and sometimes we laugh so much we cry. But right now, without my voice these conversations are difficult and that fucking sucks donkey balls. So, for now I write…

Sunshine and mother fucking sparkles.

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damn walls

My walls have been massive tall giants for a very long time. At one point I even built a super deep moat around my walls to protect myself. But now I am sitting here, well I am usually standing there, when he looks into my soul, and can see what is floating around in my head or can feel the vibes radiating off my body. He gives me this smirk, because he knows it drives me crazy, but I don’t want him to stop. I like that he isn’t afraid to call me out on all my shit. But my fucking walls…UGH!!!

They have been up for so long that they have these nasty long thorns wrapped around them that they even scare me. I try so hard to break through them and every time I think I am there I hesitate and then BOOM I crash into my own damn wall…like fuck Heather you aren’t blind. You are a strong badass fucking rockstar of a woman. Let them down…this is the word vomit the floats through me as my bullshit radiates off of me and I stand there stuttering like a fucking monkey who doesn’t know what to do with a banana…

Then there’s my BFF’s and my daughters who like to fuck with me and ask if my walls have fallen down yet…listen here ya’ll…let me clear my throat and let the word vomit flow…wait I need to adjust my crown so they can see my devil horns so they know shit is about to get real, because they know I won’t hold back through the word vomit and laughter towards my fucking self…(this is where I am literally hitting myself in the forehead with an open hand)…word vomit…it’s my enemy when I get started, but its also my saving grace for everyone that understands me. “listen Linda, (picture the head bob with sass and me pointing my finger, yes even if am on the phone) I know what I need to do. I know I need to let my mother fucking walls down, but you all know why I have issues with doing so…so my walls are there and they are slowly coming down Heather style, but I have all this shit that I am battling within myself and you peeps just have to deal with it, because they will break and crash down like a tumbling mother fucking backstabbing tsunami bitch when I least expect it and I know that when that happens it’s because it was supposed to happen right then and there…sooo yeah..” Through all of this I am laughing, which is a good thing, because I laugh at myself a lot. If I didn’t laugh at myself the way I do, I would probably be a giant fucking mess of a human.

So, at this point I am full of fucking so much sass it’s not even on the scale of 1-10. Well, on most days my sass probably isn’t, but especially during my word vomit, which let’s get real, happens most days. But on a good note we are all laughing at the word vomit and having a conversation that is probably going in 15 different directions. Seriously, those that can handle me, I give them major props…and I appreciate them more than they know.

Okay okay, so back to my damn walls. Yes, I know those fuckers need to come down, that my moat needs to either be filled up, or used as a lazy river and not a trap that requires a life vest. My walls are not as tall as they once were, the thorns are not as sharp, and the vicious creatures are gone from my waters. I have gotten much better and it’s because I am challenged in ways that I have never been challenged before. I need time to get use to this new way of life. I have always been able to do everything on my own (except decide where to eat…and NOW I HAVE TOO, which I actually kind of like…huge, giant smiles) and I will never apologize for being a badass independent chick, but I need to learn how to not be so independent, if that makes sense.

Learning how to still be a badass mother fucking rockstar and not as independent is a new challenge. One that I am enjoying, but it is a process. So, without allowing myself to lose myself in the process of my walls coming down, the thorns turning into beautiful flowers, and my moat becoming an awesome lazy river I am learning how to breathe again while loving life.

Sunshine and mother fucking sassy sparkles