Ummm What?????

Read like you can hear my voice…well those that know my voice..enjoy.

WTF…but I’m super duper happy!!! Let me tell you my short little story that turned my world right side up.

I got a letter from the doctor after my completed procedures…Imagine me sitting next to the campfire with the night sky sparkling above, a blanket over my head, and a flashlight held up to my face. Lol. DO IT!!!!

Did you do it??? Keep hold of that image…

This letter tells me NO celiac disease found. Mind blown!! It’s bursting at the seams so over joyed. POP!!

Mind you I need to wait to officially confirm with the other doctor BUT omgoodness….I am not always careful what I order so I’m sure well actually I know I’ve eaten gluten occasionally over several months. Since reading this letter all I can think about is how I need to plan another Disney trip but only because I want a damn churro, monte cristo AND beignets!!! Then there’s all the other food I’ve cut out since being told I’m a celiac in 2019!!

Omgoodness. Excuse me while I clean up my drool…

Cinnabon
Christmas cookies
Crab rangoon
Sushi
Chicken tenders
Fried chicken
McDonald’s fries!!

Umm what else…

Normal tortillas
Burritos at Mexican restaurants and Taco Bell bahaha
PASTA
Yummy pizza crust
ICE CREAM with cookie and brownie pieces

Ugh so much food. Where do I even start?? Well with the doctor I guess…

Omgoodness Olive Garden
Never ending pasta
Portobello ravioli
Bagels
Potlucks I’ve missed
Red vines oh my
Pretzels with cheese sauce 🤤
Chinese food get in my belly
Hot dog at baseball games
Birthday cupcakes!!
All the bread!!!
No label looking – playing I spy for GF
All my favorite Oreos!!!!!
Crazy bread
Stouffers Mac n cheese
Crazy bread!!!
Goldfish!
Chez- its!!
Angel hair pasta
Pasta Roni
Western bacon cheeseburger from Carls Jr
Doughboy donuts
Corn nuts
Panda Express
Top Ramen

When you have to choose a place and you realize it’s gonna be tough since you can eat everywhere your mind spins with happiness of what you’re about to enjoy (but it’s also overwhelming) that you never thought you would eat again, well maybe on my death bed at 105 LMAO.

The grocery bill is magically way less…I can afford to eat again!!! Here I am dancing around with my glittery unicorn wand…

It’s been almost a full month since this new adventure of happiness has started. My son and his girlfriend asked me to compare certain foods that I remember the taste of…so far:

Cheez-its- regular ones. I could have sat down and ate the whole box. I was so excited they were coming out with GF ones in 2026, but I was really getting impatient. I did not eat the whole box, but I wanted to.

KitKats…I loved these, but the one I borrowed from my youngest, lol, was so gross. Come to find out it was a frozen stale KitKat…make sure these are not stale. Vomit! so much yumminess when fresh. I “borrowed” half of her replaced one, lmao.

Went to the OG with my fam. “Breadsticks Gang” as my son called us, but I didn’t have any, because I wanted room for my Never Ending Pasta bowls…they got in my belly, the mushroom sauce still amazing, wish it was a year round flavor!

I can’t seem to find the pistachio oreos, major sad face.

Sushi for our anniversary…omgoodness I missed being able to order anything and everything. Well, the night of our anniversary we were shopping at Costco, because I needed snacks…AND I had Costco pizza, which I didn’t mind at all…drooling all over the place like a St. Bernard puppy. Someone grab me a bib!!

For breakfast at the NV Day Parade I filled up with dos Tipsy Lavender Lemonades and some Carls Jr. lol…

Doughboys…it melted in my mouth, the yummy warm maple gazed twist.

Okay, flash light off…blanket still over my head, because I am probably freezing…

I am having fun introducing all the foods I once loved back into my life. It has been quite the adventure.

In no means do I regret being GF for the years I was, it taught me more than I realized it would. My heart goes out to those who can’t have gluten in their diet, yes food is becoming better tasting, but for an autoimmune disease that has been out there for over 100 years you would think there would be more food options in ALL stores, the food costs would be comparable to all food prices, and it wouldn’t be such a struggle to attend amusement parks, potlucks, and restaurants, etc.

If you are the type of person who likes to donate to shelters, food pantries, etc, please think about those who have special diets and donate for them too.

So, after my fun-ness of medical procedures I know my insides are healthy, my throat was stretched, would never recommend this unless it’s needed, so now no more choking…go ahead let your mind wander on that one.

If you are given a blood test for gluten and it’s positive, DEMAND a biopsy. Read your results, copy and paste them into google – it will break them down for you in words that are understandable.

The best advice that was ever given to me by a doctor during COVID, ‘you are your own advocate, do your own research (I personally suggest looking at the UK research) and fight for your rights’. You can fire your doctor. You can get second opinions. And you can see all your doctor’s notes, it’s your right, they are usually posted in your chart, so download the medical apps, know what is happening with your body.

I can poop some magical poop again!! Bahaha sorry not sorry.

Love you all!! Thank you for enjoying my nonsense.

AND as always…

Remember to enjoy the Sunshine, Sparkles, and Mother Fucking Unicorn Poop!!!!!

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her hell

I like to make people laugh, make their bad day better, put a smile on their face, and just over all be the sunshine and sparkles rather than the darkness and evil. But, right now I feel broken. I am in a dark place. I am lost. I feel like I was locked in a dark damp basement with no way out. The air is so thick I can’t breathe. It weighs me down. Makes my chest heavy, my body fatigued, and makes me feel ill.

My heart pounds as though it is trying to fight its way out of my chest. I swear if it had arms it would have ripped my rib cage apart by now. The knife in my back turns and twists like a wind-up toy as the room dances around me. I fall, but thankfully the wall catches me. The tears slide down my cheeks as I wonder how much longer I am trapped in this darkness. This maze with walls I can’t climb to see the way out.

Dependent. When I was in diapers. When I was a juvenile defying my parents. NOW.

My world has turned upside down once again. I am lost. So. Fucking. Lost. I hate depending on others. I am the chick that buys her own fucking flowers, who isn’t afraid to dance alone, who is the sunshine and sparkles for others, who is the positivity, and here I am not able to even fucking shower unless someone is home!!! I am screaming, crying on the inside. This air is so thick it weighs me down into a hell I haven’t been in, in a very long time.

As the weeks pass and my darkness only grows, I keep trying to find the light, the positive, because after all that is what I do. That is who I am. I do my research to find the light. To look at the bright side. To remind myself that this is not the end. This is just a new beginning. A new start. I might have to do things differently, I might have to plan ahead, and take more time. But I can’t let this define me.

I am determined to climb out of this dark damp basement. To fill my lungs without pain, to remove the knife, to put my heart back in its place, and to stop the world spinning around me. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I have overcome such darkness before and I will again. I may have challenges that lie in my way, but I have to remind myself that I am strong, that I can do this, that I have an amazing support system. I also have to remember some of the best advice I was given in December 2015 by a wise man; “adapt and overcome”. Those words have gotten me through a lot since December 2015.

So, maybe I am lost right now, not feeling my sunshine, sparkles, and let’s not forget the mother fucking unicorn poop, but I am going through a shit ton right now. Being home for five weeks (and who fucking knows how much longer), under what feels like lock and key, dependent on everyone, because you are so very ill, well who wouldn’t fucking feel lost, sad, depressed? AND you know what?!? I am fucking allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to be fucking scared. I am allowed to be angry. Frustrated. I can feel like I want to scream, cry, only want to eat ice cream and sushi… I am the only one who knows what my body feels like and it is SO SO SO FUCKING difficult to explain it. I want to feel like ME again. To feel like the Heather everyone knows and loves, but guess what, right now she’s not here. She is gone. She is in this basement. This basement she calls Hell.

As I sit here writing this, debating whether to post this, I remind myself people know you had the rona pneumonia, and in life there are always lessons if you pay attention. You learned a major one within the last year; I haven’t gone anywhere. I always post my blogs on my Facebook page so this one and the poem I wrote before this will not be any different. Thank you to all who have been there day after dark day. My boyfriend, my kids, my family, #6 & his girl, my bestie (yellow power ranger), my co-workers (cc/vegas), and my Cornhole family.

just a weed

I am standing in the middle of a field surrounded by beautiful roses. Vibrant colors, full of life, radiant. Their perfume coming at me from every direction. I could feel their thorns prickling my tender skin leaving small scars. Looking around I see that I look different. My skin is softer. I do not shine bright. I feel weak and out of place. I am just a weed in a field of gorgeous roses.

Life is all around me. It is difficult to see above me, but I can see some blue-sky peeking through the forest of green leaves, red, pink, and yellow petals. As I begin to drown, I feel a horrendous pain. Maybe this is a rescue mission. The blue-sky is now completely surrounding me and the sunshine warms my tender bruised skin. Playful laughter feels the air. Relaxation takes over my injured body and I suddenly feel limp. I felt safe, I could breathe, and was no longer surrounded by too much pain. A big gust hit me.

The laughter drifted further away as pieces of me floated away. I fought to stay together, but I was not strong enough. I was no longer whole. Shattered into hundreds of pieces across the field. As I laid scatter on the soft soil, waves of mixed emotions took over. I was completely destroyed.

The sky grew dark and released its tears. I hugged the soil to stay warm. I did not like this feeling of being lost, confused, scared, and broken. Something had to change. The rain planted me. I started to grow. Roots took depth as I developed leaves and then a beautiful yellow flower.

Pieces of me were everywhere. Over time I was destroyed by thorns, darkness that hovered above me, and then ripped apart. But over time I was able to grow again. This time I grew stronger. I adapted to the environment that I knew was waiting for me. With thicker skin, deeper roots, and more of me I could be unstoppable.

I might be just a weed among a field full of beautiful roses, but their perfume, thorns and high maintenance has made me a strong powerful unstoppable weed who shines bright like the sun, because I am not afraid to grow in uncomfortable places.

Darkness

****I wrote this poem February 6^th, 2006. It is very dark. I wish I could remember exactly what I was going through at the time****

I sit with nothing but hatred running through my veins

I’m angered beyond anything I’ve ever felt

I’m a stone with no way to express oneself

I sit here cold with waves of emotion crashing through me like a rip tide.

There is no one I have but myself.

With icy blood flowing I have no warmth for even lust.

Hatred fills my body

Tears splash to my cheeks

Popping pills may take my pain

But won’t heal me.

Waves slam me every which way

I am no longer in control

Warmth touches my skin in a red smooth covering

The blade is cold as it slits through layers of icy skin.

I sit here wondering what has happened

Such beauty gone

With the hatred others have made one feel.

Cancer sucks

****This entry is something I wrote after my Grandpa passed away from cancer. I was involved in Relay for Life for a very long time, I am still a strong supporter of the event. I wrote the first part of this to share my story as to how cancer touched my life. The poem I wrote to read at my Grandpa’s memorial. I wrote it as he was taking his last breath; a moment I will never forget****

My Grandpa was a stubborn man. Up until the very end he fought to do most everything on his own. Then he was gone. There were no more twinkles, no more hugs; all I have left are memories.

I stand here today knowing why I relay. When I first joined Relay for Life in August 2008 I joined to fight for a cure. I joined with the understanding cancer has touched me, but I NEVER EVER thought cancer would touch me how it has now. This evil disease is taking our loved ones from us. It needs to stop.

I relay for Stacey. A friend I met through relay who is one the strongest people I know. I relay for everyone in the park. I relay, because my Grandpa is not going to get to watch his grandchildren and great grandchildren grow and become what ever it is they are meant to become. I relay because he deserved to see his family grow. I relay so your grandparents and parents can watch their children and grandchildren grow. I relay for me. I relay because it is not fair that my Grandfather will not be here to see my little ones grow and change like a grandpa should.

Everyone here deserves to have everyone in their life watch their children become adults and make a difference in this world like we are making a difference with relay. I relay for those who want to give up. I relay for the fight. I relay because I know there is a cure out there. I relay because we should live our life’s without fear of cancer. I relay for more birthdays.

Cancer has touched everyone in the world, some in ways they never thought, others in ways they could not have imagined. Cancer needs to stop touching everyone. I relay.

Candles glow flickered with your last breath,

Sitting here crying;

As a chill lifted the room,

You surrounded me with one last hug.

Saying goodbye was hard to do,

No choice I had.

Free of pain,

No longer trapped.

Be in your happy place,

Among nature at its best.

In the garden,

In the forest in Tahoe,

Now with nature

Your free from all the sickness,

Roam,

Be free,

Soar among the birds you once fed,

Watch natures beauty,

Protect it.

Embrace us all with your love,

Love you back,

Sad to see you go,

Surround me with one last hug.

My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in January 2009. Three months later he took his last breath with his wife and children by his side. One of the last times I saw my Grandpa was the hardest. He did not recognize me. He stood across the room asking who I was in front of everyone. Then as soon as it registered who I was I saw the very last twinkle in my Grandpa’s eye. He came and gave me a hug. I stayed strong and did not shed a tear even though I wanted too.

Just a line

There comes a time in life when you realize you will always be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. Or maybe you will actually be a whole paragraph, or maybe you were a whole chapter. This got me thinking. I do a lot of thinking. When I start to think sometimes I drive myself insane, I spin in circles, mentally in overdrive flying over speed bumps landing hard and giving myself whiplash. Stupid girl! Yes, I just called myself stupid, because that is what I am when I allow myself to spin in my own crazy thoughts. I know I am not the only one that spins crazy when thoughts get overwhelming.

I started writing this a few weeks ago and again I hated where it was going so I left it alone. I seem to be doing that I a lot. But I have a vision. I know what I want to write and what I do not. So, I let this sit here until I was ready to come back to it. I am still not sure I am ready to finish this piece, but for some reason here I sit typing away random nonsense that is filling my head hoping something will come of this.

Over the last several weeks I have realized many things that I think I just pushed aside for long periods of time, because I was not ready to face them. This is how this entry started. Maybe I was still afraid to face a few things when I started this, but I have decided that I can no longer live in fear. If I constantly walk around hiding and living in the shadows I will never allow myself to fully live. I want to live life to its fullest. I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, the wind chill me to my bones, I want to run in the rain, and breathe in the fresh smells of the seasons changing. I cannot do this if I hide from everything.

I do not want to be some line in someone else’s paragraph or chapter. I want to make my own story, my own path, when there is a fork in the road I want to be able to say I decided to take this path, because of blah blah blah and if you want to judge look in the mirror first. The only way I can do this is by allowing myself to stop hiding, to create my own story, and to welcome change.

Haters are going to hate. People are not going to like what I have to say. I must be okay with this. I am getting ready to share my blog on my social media pages with my family and friends that have no idea this exists. I am nervous, scared, but again I need to stop living in the shadows and embrace who I truly am. This is me. I am a writer. I am a powerful beautiful mother, woman, and just a down to earth girl who wants to live life to the fullest and stop letting everyone dictate how I live. I want to show my kids to live life and not be afraid of what anyone thinks of you. Everyone judges. It is in our nature. But it is up to everyone to choose how they handle the judgement. I have decided I will face it head on, and no longer be afraid. I am living for myself and my family. I need to be strong for us. I need to be true to who I am, own who I am, and show my children this. I want to be a great role model and I certainly do not want to settle to be just a line in a paragraph in someone else’s chapter. That is not who I am.

A Secret

Being a secret can be a rush. There is that excitement. The adrenaline that fills your body. The rush of it running through your veins can be addicting. It becomes a habit. We know right from wrong at such a young age, and yet so many are okay with being a secret. The side piece. The second choice. The extra piece of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving that everyone knows if they have they will have to undo the top button of their jeans. And here we are…someone’s secret, or passed secret, because, well lessons learned. Karma is a bitch.

I will fully admit I was a secret. Many people know I was a secret. It was a huge lesson in my life. Karma became my best friend for a while. She and I are pretty close. We’re tight bitches. I am sitting here debating in my head how to put my thoughts into words, it is not admitting who I am that I fear, I know what I did, and I am not afraid to admit what wrongs I have done in my life. I like to think of myself as an open book. I am sitting here debating where to go with this entry. I want my writing to reflect the things I go through, what I face, who I truly am, the raw, the deep dark thoughts that run through my head. This is who I am.

When I first started writing this entry it was going in a different direction. I did not like the way I wrote anything after this last paragraph. I was stuck. I kept going back and forth on whether I should post this or not. I decided not too until I took another look at it. Then the words came to me on exactly what I was trying to say, and of course I had to be driving down the highway. Hate when that happens.

I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but I have a secret. I hide so much emotion behind my smile, my eyes, that only those that truly know me know the ends and outs of my pain. The dark twisty path my beautiful soul walks every day. The things I have experienced most would not survive, but here I am with my secrets that have made me who I am that only few know.

I stand strong today. I wear gold wings of hope, I am a voice in someone else’s darkness, their strength for just a few minutes, letting them know everything will be alright, getting help sent their way. That little bit of light in the deepest darkness of suffocation where one feels there is no hope. I survived my dark twisty thorn scar filled path for a reason. To help others.

Slowly, over the years, I have shared my secrets of pain. I wear them on my sleeves, embrace the path life has led me, and I have learned how to grow from the pain. I can honestly say I love the woman I am becoming. No longer do I fear of the shadows that lurk in the darkness.

Yes, I was a secret. I learned a huge lesson. Karma is a bitch. Karma teaches lessons if you are willing to learn.

Some of you are probably curious about what I meant when I said, ‘I may be a secret, have been a secret, still am a secret, but have a secret.’ In time.