Fuck It Bucket

** It has been over a year since I have posted anything on my blog. This is just a reminder I post my rough draft, so there will be mistakes, typo’s, etc. I want to share my work in raw form for all to enjoy.**

I really want to be healed enough to sit in a unicorn float, staying above water, and chilling with a double shot of tequila and a margarita in my hands looking at the sky feeling free from the depths of drowning knowing I am safe to once again enjoy life to its fullest.

BUT…

We make decisions everyday. We have choices. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes.

Being capped sized every year, when I feel on top of the world, just plain sucks ass.

Another lesson learned, another cliff I will climb, and the only way off is to dive into the unknown depths in hopes I come up for air…

The salt stung my eyes as the tears continued to rain down my face. I could taste it on my lips. I am in my head like normal. Why have I fallen off this rocky cliff? How did I get here? Is this my fault? It has to be right?! I want to scream until my body shakes, cry into my grandma’s lap as though I was a child again – taking my pain away. Cheeks soaked. The lowest of lows. I never thought it was possible to drown again. 

Turning to Pinterest hoping for a much needed quote to pop up in my feed, to maybe smile just a little, but a bunch of haircuts popped up, laughing at me because I do not have two pennies to rub together. All I wanted was some inspiration!!! Or at least something to laugh at…ugh. 

My fuck it bucket is overflowing…I have been wandering around like an Eeyore zombie, same shit, different day. GRRRR!!

I kept manifesting that 2025 was going to be a kick ass year, full of fun, mini vacations, lots of camping, cornhole…But the world had other ideas…

I am still trying to figure out what lessons I am supposed to be learning. The lessons just keep going right over my head. I got it, I am strong, can handle a lot, but I could use a fucking break for the hundredth time. 

Being told things will be okay, things happen for a reason or this shall pass – Two big fat thumbs down, especially right now. I just want to be able to take things a day at a time and not plan the next 60 plus years – yes you read that right. I already know I am going to live until I am 105, bahaha! bright pink tennis balls on my walker, decorated in sparkly unicorn and disney duct tape, and a bit of glitter….sorry kiddos…BAHAHA. I guess I already have it planned. LMAO!!

Most of 2024 was great, just a few speed bumps, until December. My car was totaled and I had a lot of healing to do. My injuries were muscle related which takes forever to heal. YAY ME!! On a good note all my airbags deployed and saved me from what could have been worse. Cool beans…

I have been home ever since.

My attorneys kept me in the dark. I started annoying them which became my specialty, and they just seemed to pass me around from case worker to case worker like I was some sort of whore.

 “In a wreck…” Yeah, I was…”need a check?” That would be nice…

This process has made me a different type of angry. My brain has not been awesome since COVID and my accident made me even more special. Explaining the situation to every case worker I spoke with – WTF!! I am the one that needed things explained. But of course my life is a shit show, so instead I became a “phone call whore”, who had to use my dispatcher mom voice (can you hear it?) to finally get answers. The best part was that it not only worked, but for the first time in months I felt like things were leaning in the right direction. I was giddy like a kid standing in line for the Ice Cream Truck. 

Just a friendly reminder, something I learned years ago, “If it isn’t documented, it didn’t happen”.

As most know, a one income household makes you live on a tight budget and your life changes. You fall on your ass, trying to pick up the pieces…

I yelled at my mind, telling it to stop my overthinking web of a mess. Did it listen? Of course not, Duh. I start to spin, unravel, until I make myself sick with worry. I like to think ahead into the future and that does not help at all. Have I stopped overthinking? Nope, it will never happen. If it did I would probably never write again and that would be a sad day ( I know you all enjoy most of my rambling…jk jk. Love you all)

I started thinking about life like it is a s’more. Fingers crossed the ingredients are gluten free, otherwise you better run. Body smoothies from both ends are never fun for anyone…

The marshmallow starts out in a factory, bagged, shipped, purchased, eventually it ends up on the end of a stick above wild dancing flames. Golden colors come to life, it starts to get crispy, most people like the golden crispness. Me? Nope, let’s burn this bitch. These flames surrounding my burnt crispy marshmallow are not easy to blow out like a candle. Taking a mega breath, blow and WOOHOO finally!! except my chest hurts now, wonderful, I love my health and growing old. Grab the graham crackers, chocolate, to help support the little burntness, four seasons of the s’more almost complete. Now I have a sticky ass mess, but I am chilling around a campfire, who gives a shit.. Me. I give a shit. And this is how I keep falling off the cliff. 

I started looking and listening real close. I realized one of my lessons was peaking through the dark stormy clouds staring at me for attention. I learned an important lesson, but I know there are more. At least the clouds started to part as sunshine broke through.

We cannot learn from someone else’s mistakes or history. We have to experience it for ourselves to truly understand.

Seeing the light seems impossible right now, but like Dory says, “just keep swimming”.

Thank you Mel, for reminding me that my writing has always helped me break through. I am blessed to have you in my life.

Thank you followers for enjoying my writing – as much as I enjoy writing my pieces. More to follow for all to enjoy. I cannot wait to get back on track and post several times a week. 

AND as always…Sunshine, Sparkles, and Mother Fucking Unicorn Poop!!!